/venting below, will delete later i hate the way people who love me look at me. i know intimately what it's like to feel frozen and helpless, to struggle to save me or find any comfort at all, only to find no matter how hard i try there's nothing i can do, and i have to see myself rot. no matter how much i love me, i cant do anything to help. i hate when i see that part of myself reflected in the ones who hold me dear. i hate seeing them struggle knowing that they can't help me. im hurting. i dont want to be lonely, but even when im loved it never reaches me. i dont have a choice. often i wish i could be lonely alone, but i dont want to hurt them further. i will burden them regardless of if i stay or leave. why couldn't i have just been okay?