This also refers to my relationship with my crush, who I know right now I can only try to be friends with (because of our slight age-gap) I really tend to share my feelings with him a lot because I want him to understand why I’m always so nervous and self conscious while talking to him. Of course he completely understands, which I’m happy about, but that doesn’t stop me from constantly worrying about growing apart from him. My past friendships have mostly ended because of my behavior, which ended up making my friends uncomfortable around me which also made us grow apart slowly but surely. It may not seem so on here, but I’m not actually a really good person when it comes to having friends. I don’t blame any of them for not wanting to be around me, and I can’t even be mad or sad about it, because in the end, I would probably do the same if I were them.

This issue makes me want to do better with future friends, so I want to show them all the good things about me while also trying not to say too much and give the wrong impression, which leads to my next discovery… I don’t like people assuming stuff about me, or seeing me the wrong way. When someone dislikes me or says something about me I don’t really see in myself, there’s a part of me that wants to understand why they think that about me, and part of me that wants to defend myself, even if I am in the wrong. My desperate attempt in trying to understand someone else’s thoughts about me really ties to my abandonment issues, and how a lot of my friendships ended, because I wasn’t able to understand what I was doing wrong and how I could fix it even.

This happened today while in a “Draw it, guess it!” type game when two girls claimed I was expressing “negative energy.” I myself didn’t feel like I was expressing that type of energy, and was asking how I was being negative and why they didn’t like me for what I said. They ended up leaving before I could understand, so I still don’t really know what I did wrong… At that moment, my heart was racing a lot and I was shaking uncontrollably, which was caused by some kind of anxiety. While it was my turn to draw, they were saying stuff like “Votekick her!” which of course caused me to ask, “Why? What did I do?” as anyone would say. I ended up saying stuff like, “Nobody cares about your damn opinion about me, so don’t force everybody else to do what you want because you don’t like me” which began my heart racing and my twitching, which I notice happens when I get into an argument of some sort.

This issue does happen sometimes online, but never really in person. I’m the type of person who wants people to like me, and I want people to understand me. If someone has the wrong opinion of me, I do whatever it takes to understand why and try to fix whatever they see as negative or toxic. That anxiety I feel when things get heated, even with someone I don’t actually know, really just causes me to panic, because in the end, I’m afraid that person will walk away thinking something about me that’s not true. This has also happened with FA drama, which I’m not gonna get much into because I don’t wanna draw this out too long.

I have commitment issues This mostly applies to my hobbies. When it comes to art, I tend to commit to certain things for about a month or a few weeks, then move onto the next thing. You can tell with some big animation projects I do on here, I kind of just throw them away and stop when I start to feel unmotivated or uninspired. Others I tend to push myself a lot more (like the FlipVille series, or the “Bustling Town” animation I did about a month ago) I’ve known this about myself for quite a while, just never really put it into words! I actually really like to read (which I also rediscovered about myself) but I do tend to drive away from certain books after a while and I’m not as hyped about it anymore. There’s a book I’m currently reading about Asian stereotypes and racism, but I’ve kinda put the book down recently because of this issue… This also applies to my own stories, which I’m sure you guys are aware of as well.

New Moon, Old Moon, New Moon the Anime, Living with a Demon, and all of the many other series I’ve done on this account that I’ve put down due to lack of inspiration and commitment… YIKES that’s a lot when you put it into words XD I have plenty more examples that are more real and relatable (like with cooking, video games, and other crap) but that’ll do for now!

Finally, and definitely a lot less heavy on the chest to talk about I like men with facial hair My Mom actually brought this to my attention while we were watching basketball. I looked at one of the players who had this massive beard and said, “Look at that guy’s beard. That’s a really nice beard,” and my Mom suddenly blurted out, “Do you like guys with facial hair?” I laughed nervously and said “Pff- Maybe, I don’t know” This is the first time I really sat and thought about it, cause my crush has facial hair- and I do tend to like men with nicely trimmed beards and goatees, so the two kind of tie together. I’m happy my Mom’s able to tell some things about myself before I do, cause she’s quick to point things out and doesn’t hide her thoughts about me XD

But yeah… that’s pretty much it. I didn’t really need to share this with you guys, because I’m sure a lot of my followers don’t actually care who I am and what I’m like. A lot of y’all just see me as another cool artist or an inspiration, but me as a person isn’t really that much of an interest to most people (of course a lot of you guys care about my mental health and comfort me when I’m feeling down, which I appreciate a lot, so this doesn’t apply to everyone) I just wanted this to be mostly for myself. If you guys DO want to learn more about me, I honestly appreciate it, because like I said before; I like it when people understand me. ^^ Anyways! Thanks for reading or whatever. I hope you guys enjoyed learning more about my personal struggles, and maybe learned something about yourself as well :)

I knew I wasn't the only one! 😩👏 I envy ALL artists who can just start something and stick to it no problem, because that is somehow SO DIFFICULT TO DO FOR ME!

Yeah. Really glad not to be alone, but I feel bad other people have to go through that stress.