now that I got online, I realized that all of the assignments had other assignments as prerequisites, so I had to do and submit all of the assignments that came before, effectively packing a full school year into 2 months, and so I started working, I sacrificed my sleep schedule and started working and kept at it until I passed out.

I kept doing this until my mom decided to tell me that I had a doctor's appointment at a fine 12:00 in the ****ing morning. she said it was scheduled at ten, so I was fine and went to bed. the next morning my mom woke me up and told me that she had gotten the time wrong, so I came out of my room, at nine, with very little sleep and no time to get ready.

but as a reward for making a mistake, she offered to get me food, so I didn't eat because I was excited because I like food that isn't from the house. my mom forgot for the entire day, so I settled for tomorrow. unfortunately, my mom texted me while I was talking to a friend, I talk to my friend Damien while doing math work because we don't have anything better to do, we have strange conversations and it goes late into the night because my work does as well

the reason my mom had texted me was that she needed to sleep and after enough time my dad turned off the internet, but the important thing here is that she needed to sleep so she could go to Salem tomorrow. after the internet was turned off, I decided that I was bored and went to sleep.

I wake up to get ready for another exhausting day of work, take a shower, put on shorts and a tee-shirt, turn on my pirated shows™ and open my pc. I sign in and continue where I left off. do we remember the prerequisites that I talked about earlier? a prerequisite was an assignment that my mom had to do that just said that she wouldn't let me cheat or some stupid shit like that I watch in horror when I realize that the number that was supposed to be 2147 drops to zero. my ears begin to ring as whatever the doctors in the house are saying becomes inaudible to me, I don't remember the last time I took a breath but I do know that I am choking. a ball forms in my throat and I get into an argument with my dad over text only to learn.

he did this so I would listen to him as a parent. I didn't tell him what happened because I didn't want to believe that it did, I didn't eat that day and then I realized that I hadn't eaten all day either but couldn't bring myself downstairs. I didn't want to speak with him casually, I didn't want to see him ever again. 4 weeks of torture and absence so I could please ( ) and it didn't work, it took so much time and nothing happened, I took so much time and nothing happened. I didn't sleep nor listen to my body, eating was done swiftly and unenjoyable so I could finish my work quickly, so I just stared at my ceiling. eventually, I had created a reason for not going to get food and it was because if I did he would try to talk with me casually and believe nothing is wrong like he always does

every time somebody does something wrong or messes up it is swept under the rug, and everybody tries to avoid the topic as if it were taboo, but whenever I do something wrong it's constantly drilled into me when I do. it isn't fair. I thought to myself and wondered what I could do about it, what I could do to make things right to rectify how much time I spent on everything, I could do nothing. when I come to this conclusion nobody is home. my body carries itself to the bathroom without reason, holding plates and glasses. without thinking I start to break them without expression on my face, I step on broken glass and feel nothing, my ears ring but I keep doing it. my eyes have dark circles under them along with an unchanging expression that begins to bleed but I keep going. all i want to be is a

I will update this post soon. It got worse.

i forgot to blue