"theo its been 1 month" SHUT UP i think a lot all the time ive gone through 7 personality changes

uhh?? uhh i found out a lot of the reasons i was really angry was bc i wasn't able to remove myself from a place where people who made me angry were still around and i had no way to block that out bc i was and am still super paranoid that as soon as i was gone they'd talk about me and im still uh really trying not to check because im terrified of coming back here but if i don't say this i will die because i have legitimately no other way to vent and wow you forget how bright this green is

i'd be fine if i just took a break before but now it's wired in and i cant stop myself from being angry at them? even though at this point i feel like it's less """"""""trauma"""""""" and more of just holding a grudge and not wanting to be wrong and while im not denying that at some point it could (and might even still) be trauma i feel like im just. angry. and that's it. and i don't like that i really don't like being angry cause when im angry i hurt people and im really tired of doing that

i really want to forgive them. they deserve forgiveness at this point. i know they've at least changed a little. it's not like they're on this post right now belittling me so i mean that's a change, yknow. but that anger and that pettiness is still there and it's just this giant roadblock that keeps me from progressing any further and it just makes me feel like a really bad person? and at this point ive kind of accepted it cause i mean its not like good people hold grudges like i do after months and months

if you're reading this and you know you're one of them, uh hi hope you're doing well, i'm not fond of you being here but at the same time im almost glad you're seeing this, i don't have a ton of time to spill the like million apologies that i've been racking up in my time alone and im sure you're tired of hearing me say sorry and shit because i never shut up about how sorry i am (or how much i hate you apparently? which like yikes uhn not my proudest moments,) but i do want you to at least know that im trying to forgive. im not just trying to forget it anymore cause i feel like at this point that's kind of a lost cause. i can't guarentee that i will forgive but i do want to try especially if you have changed for the better.

WHO'S DECISION WAS IT TO MAKE FA GREEN i hate green

uh, uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh **** what else was i gonna say i'm not gonna spew some bs about how i've changed or whatever because i've been doing it for months and tbh i haven't and i just kind of. thought i changed, but the only thing that really changed was the fact i have more self control and that's kind of. it I CANT REMEMBER WHAT I CAME HERE TO SAY ****h

ujmh ive been going through some like?really bad mental stuff nd ive kind of internalized a lot of things people have said abt me in the pastso like hi anyone reading this ever be careful abt what you say please, i wasn't and i hurt people and im going to regret it for as long as i can remember it and not only that but ive experienced firsthand the effects of people not controlling what they say and uhhhhhhhhh its not great? wouldn't exactly recommend

super scatterbrained rn im gonna regret this 5 minutes after i log off this is an impulse thing

THIS IS GOING TO SOUND SO INSINCERE IM SO SORRY im. massive asshole as usual !!!!!!!!!!!! but uhjngm theo needs attention as usual so yall want a plug or two

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_-0ZL1r6lY&list=PLobPsR7lY-inaB47puKrFaMQEp8_lblWd here's a playlist with unfunny shit i keep unlisted bc i know it's unfunny but i made it anyways and i want people to look at it and pretend its funny so i feel good. my channel's there too if for some reason you want to subscribe im probably not going to upload anything publicly tho https://toyhou.se/theoscafe toyhouse, probably not going to change my user anytime soon so that should be good for a while, uhnm everything's logged in user only tho so you can only look at my junk if you're logged in,, sorry

uhgjn if you are one of those people that i hurt you might notice i have you blocked and id prefer it stayed that way,,, uhhh,,, for the foreseeable future? no offense? im not safe to be around i snap too easily and i get too defensive about you and im scared of hurting you again so just please avoid me anywhere you see me if you do see me somehow. please just forget i exist

as much as i want to forgive you i really really don't want to try and connect with you again out of fear of me doing something bc of past actions bc i think we both know that im like that when i get even slightly mad and i just. dont want that. you don't deserve that (or anything i did) and i want to prevent it in any way possible and for rn at least just relying on self control is nowhere near an option

uuhgn uh i should probably leave now. as much as i hate to do it i need to lock myself out of this acc for good before i come back against my better judgement. i really hate this site it's been really unhealthy for me and even with good memories it's not worth the bad ones. im not gonna pretend like making a few friends (most of which i don't even talk to anymore, or that probably want me dead tbh) was worth the shit i went through and the shit i put people through

can't get on discord but i appreciate the offer

dont do that at this point i dont really deserve it