uhhh. idk how to properly explain it verbally. but its about feeling gross. gross about existing and stuff.

oh uh I mean dysphoria in general adds a lot to feeling gross. just like, the way I dont keep up with myself I guess. and things I regret. my bad habits, some bad thoughts. stuff like that. also Ive gotten used to her, in 2 years Ill ba able to yeet out of here at least lol

lmao Im not going to come out to her. Im going to leave once Im 18 and cut her off.

a relationship is the last thing I want with her. and I dont give 2 shits about what she wants, Id like to see her suffer. trust me, this isnt just me being mad in the moment, its been this way my whole life. sometimes just hearing her voice from another room is enough to send me into angry fits, and this happens more often than expected

I want to leave and live with my friends, maybe if I ever get a partner live with them. I dont really want any connections with any of my family. not even my dad, its very complicated with that. Id love to live a life free from constantly worrying what to hide and what to deal with and always worrying because I know my whole family is watching me and is going to interact with me and every interaction I have with them has gotten more and more uncomfortable as time passes. I just want to live away from them and be happy

and Ive been looking for a job, me and one friend are thinking about getting an apartment together. she got a job recently which is great. we will pay for an aprtment together. her and another friend have even talked about just letting me move in with them and their family (so long as their family is okay with it of course) and I would pay to live their still, I dont want to mooch off of anyone. but thats if I cant get any other place once Im 18. Im gonna take my cat with me because shes unhealthy here, all the cats here constantly ha e fleas and tapeworma and its not okay, and I want mine to be properly treated and to be able to live happily and be healthy. Im fine with living in a small apartment for most my life too. I never want to own a big house or anythign like that. I hope to work with plants, and I dont care hoe professional my job is, so long as it has livable pay (not my first job, Ill take anything right now so I can start saving lol)

one friend has the sweetest most chill mom that I already consider my new mom, she even bought me minecraft! and my friends are my family too. I feel most comfortable starting over with just them.