also fun fact, he has an account on here, but is inactive. he only joined because I was here, and has been gone for a while from this place

although it makes me nervous that he even knows this plave exists, and my nightmare scenario is him logging back on here and finding me here

he criticized the way I dressed pretty often. I didnt dress well and I knew it, I would usually agree and laugh, cause haha self deprecating jokes lol. but it got annoying. it wasnt a joke. I dressed the way I did because I was severely self conscious. I always wore a jacket no matter what. only t shirts. and jeans that didnt fit that well, but they were mens jeans so hey. he commented on my jeans a lot saying they made me look like a child, that they look bad, and I got genuinely upset about it, and I would be nervous about if other people thought that too.

several tiems he tried to get me to go to dances with him. I still had dresses at the time, and had come out as trans to him by then. if I were to go to a dance my family would very much expect me to wear a dress, and the idea of that made me wildly uncomfortable. I told him that and he didnt care. he said I should do it anywayz for him. he said we never get to spend time together. (my mother didnt want me hanging out with him, she never knew we dated, or that we were even friends) we didnt get to spend much time together. but having our only times together be like that? I would have hated it. but I thought about doing it. I felt like I had to. the tickets to school dances were usually expensive, I didnt like asking for money from family, I feel guilty everytime I do it. he didnt know tht. I never went to any dances with him, except once, it was the first one of the year, a casual one, so no dress, it was cheap, barely anyone came. he made me stay in the gym where the loud music was despite me saying it made

me uncomfortable and I didnt want to be there. at some point he had a breakdown. I dont know what happened. he went silent and wouldn't move. I tried to comfort him and I felt guilty. I felt like it was my fault. it wasnt a good time. other friends were there but other than that it was all bad

one day I didnt see him where we usually meet up in the morning at school (its usually very crowded). so I thought he hadnt come, I looked around but didnt see him, so I chatted with my other friends. layer at lunch he was very upset. he said I ignored him, and that he was there near me, and he was crying. I felt like shit all of a sudden. some shit had happened to him, and I didnt spot him that morning, so he was crying alone. I didnt say anything and he stared at me really upset. I wasnt talking because I knew the instant I tried to talk I would start crying. he said 'Well say something'. I started crying. the first time I had cried in public in years, or in front of anyone. I cried because I felt like horrible person. I felr bad for crying too, because I didnt want him to think I was trying to victimize myself. I just have troubled dealing with emotions and I cry easy. I said I was sorry that I didnt notice him. I shouldve been there for him. he refused to believe I didnt know he was there.

so many times he would make my friends invite him along because no one ever hung out with him. we were his only close friends, but he wasnt even exactly friends with one of the other 2. she was the first to be suspicious of him. he constantly made me and my friends guilty saying he never got to hang out with us and we never invited him places and that we always excluded him. he never was able to get rides though when we could hang out, and I cpuldnt give him rides since I wasnt allowed to hang out with him.

one time, all four of us had a sleep over at one friends house (the one who he wasnt really friends with). she had a bunk bed, so her and other friend stayed on the bottom bunk, while me and him stayed on the top. we had an ok time. but I woke up so many times in the night with him. and being the touch starved gay I am, I just thought it was great being able to cuddle

another time, a while later, we went to a mall after school. as far as my mother knew, I was there with other friends. since he and other friends lived pretty nearby, he said why not go back to his place as well (nothing dirty happens at his place dont worry) and so I went with him. the plan was for me to walk to other friends house and get picked up there so my mother didnt know I was with him, and the plan worked. but I actually ended up staying at his place for 2 nights before I went home. his bed was uncomfortably small but I was glad to just spend time with him. I think I ended up going home with his shorts on though, and a shirt of mine that he had from before, since I didnt want to wear the same clothes for 3 days (plus I had worn jeans to the mall the first day and I was not gonna sleep in jeans)

that story wasnt bad but I had thought about it cause I was thinking about sleepovers we had

now, Im very unsire of myself and memories a lot of times, cause I have bad memory, but there are times where Im certain I remember something happening one way, and he would tell me it didnt. one time even my friend had said I was right because she remembered it too and he still told us both we were wrong, but he was less intense about it.

he had started dating me before I came out as trans. and before I came out, and even before we were dating, I remember him saying he was poly, and just not interested in dudes, or that he was straight, that he only liked girls. this made me hesitate to come out. I didnt want him to stop dating me because I was a guy. when I came out at school it wasnt really a big deal, he didnt make a big deal about it. but after that he instead started saying he was pansexual. I was confused but I didnt question it. when I broke up with him, he brought up the fact that he wasnt really interested in guys, but he didnt want to break up with me just cause I questioned my gender (we had continued dating for a while after I came out, and I never wavered on it after that, so I still wonder what was up with that, and why he never brought it up at all before.

he straight up said that ace/aro people arent a part of the lgbt to my ace and aro friend, and made her cry about it. she said she didnt want to talk about it and that that topic upset her but he continued any way. he also hated on "transtrenders" (a hateful term for trans people who dont have dysphoria) and thought you needed dysphoria to be trans, and that genderfluid people were fake (one of my other friends from school are genderfluid, and he did not like them). while i was dating him I also was transmed(thinking you need dysphoriato be trans), but more questioning about it, and I didnt hate "trenders". I also disagreed with him on the genderfluid people thing. I didnt try to argue with him on anything though, cause I knew he would snap at me and make a scene and have a bug argument over it

any tien I tried to say no to some things he would guilt me and start getting really upset about it. he always made me feel guilty, so I stopped saying no, I rried to use as many excuses as I could before even trying to just say no. even if I actually cpyldnt do something for him he would still guilt trip me and I felt bad.

one time I went ona trip to some small amusement park like place with his church, and some other friends came. I got there before him, and had to introduce myself. I didnt know if he had talked about me before, so I didnt know what name to say. I panicked and said my deadname, and as soon as I said that they all read me as female, and there was no going back. I wouldnt feel as bad about that. but he got there, (he , also being trans, was not out to his church, and couldnt act gay around them) he complained about me saying my deadname and said that now we couldnt act like a straight couple or anything. I felt absolutely ****ing horrible for this. I felt awful. it wasnt someth8gn I could avoid or go back on. I nearly cried over it but I kept a straight face and just tried to loom normal. it was night time there. not too many rides open. barely any peopel there, it was a very small place

first ride that most people got on was go karts. I dont like go karts, I never have, so I didnt ride. he got upset I didnt ride, and wasnt happy with me. the ferris wheel (which we planned on riding) was closed once we thought to go over to it. he was upset about that too. at some point friends and him and I were sitting on some bleachers, they strted doing some singing stuff, and he wanted me to sing too. I didnt want to sing at all. he tried to force me to sing, and got upset when i wouldnt. I felt very uncomfortable. the next thing most peopel did was lazer tag. I didnt want to do lazer tag either, I dont like the idea of it, and I felt awful for not doing anything, and I already felt like I ruined it all when I first used my deadname. I felt like utter shit. and he started to cry now. he was so upset I didnt do anythign with him, he was really mad at me. I went silent just trying not to breakdown. I went and sat alone in some eating room or something and just tried to stay silent and not look upset

while most others did lazer tag. one friend who didnt decided to join me and kept asking if I was ok. I kept lying and saying I was fine. I didnt talk about it with anyone. I felt like the worse person on the planet. I wanted to die. I wanted to leave. I didnt want to be there, I didnt want that night to ever have happened. he ended up doing 2 rounds of lazer tag while I tried to distract my self with my phone, whos battery was running low. after that I tried to continue as normally as possible. all my friends and me and him played skeeball, and after that we left. it was an awful time, and I still feel bad thinking about it.