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EPISODE 1.
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21.02.2018
13 comments
Kylooo[OP]
21.02.2018 06:51
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???? ?? ???? The Start Of A New Adventure. Ryana - *snoring* Lydia - OH RYANA!! SWEETY GET UP! Ryana - *wakes up* mom.. why don't you just let me sleep and you do your gem stuff.. Lydia - i mean.. i would but i care about you so much! Nighteye - ryana you should obey your mother. Ryana - i know i know! Marqa - enough of this! gaze at the beautiful majestic aquamarine! Victoria - *facepalm* Penely - oh my gosh.. Rosaleen - so.. she's back at it again? Victoria - yes.. and it is not beautiful.. Nighteye - i am surprised that a garnet can't even handle her.. Ryana - SHUTUP! Marqa - LANGUAGE! Ryana - STUPID! Marqa - *fights* GRRRRRRRRRRRR Ryana - *kicks* FIGHT ME! Everybody - *laughing* Nighteye - what's funny.. what is funny.. like.. what is funny? Søppel - *yawning* hello! *his moon gem is glowing* i'm a bit tired but i'm okay. Marqa - oh hello søppel! *in a aggressive tone* Nighteye - You guy's are ridiculou
Kylooo[OP]
21.02.2018 06:51
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Søppel - uhh.. anyway, hey ryana.. how was your morning? Ryana - HORRIBLE!! Marqa - THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR JUST A BABY! Ryana - SHUTUP! Søppel - okay stop fighting. *hugs both of them* why don't we have a great day?
Kylooo[OP]
21.02.2018 06:57
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<33 be prepared for the next episode!
21.02.2018 07:38
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wowo can't wait
21.02.2018 14:28
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cant wait 0w0
21.02.2018 14:31
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........do you take constructive criticism on your writing because hoo boy
21.02.2018 15:07
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SCREEEEEE ME MUST KNOW WHAT HAPPENES NEXTTTTTT
Kylooo[OP]
21.02.2018 17:00
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@SmilingNyan yes i do.. do you have a problem with that?
21.02.2018 17:53
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No, I don’t, I was just asking because I didn’t want to give unsolicited critique. And now I will give said critique, because you said you’d take it. (I think I’m better at writing than art so I much prefer talking about it and critiquing people on it)
Kylooo[OP]
21.02.2018 18:03
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oh well i'll try better..
21.02.2018 18:06
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First off, script style writing makes you look like a five year old that only picked up the craft a week ago. It’s better to write in a novel style and give more description as to where the characters are. Something like “Ryana was sleeping lightly in her bed, snoring. Her mother, Lydia, calls up to her to try and rouse her from sleep” so on and so forth. DESCRIBE PLACES AND CHARACTERS. It’s the classic show, don’t tell. These characters all act like cardboard cutouts of each other. Sure, there are minor differences, but they all speak in the same stilted dialogue and have similar attitudes towards everything. They don’t seem like they’re supposed to be friends, they seem like awkward acquaintances who just met two days ago and don’t really lik each other’s company. Also, please, fix your grammar. Pleeeeeeease. Capital letters are your friend, commas are necessary, and periods do have a purpose. Okay non-rambly just try to work on using novel format and describing and fleshing out your char
21.02.2018 18:09
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It’s a good start if you’ve literally just started trying to transition from role playing to writing, but there are definitely some things you could improve on. Sites like springhole.net are good for writing advice! (Personally I love springhole)
Kylooo[OP]
21.02.2018 18:28
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thanks nyan! i'll be sure to use that advice for today's episode.
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