Ha ha I was in a good mood today and then my depression hit me like a ****ing truck And I tell people this but they seem to gloss over the fact that about a week ago I actually tried to commit suicide. Family didn't notice. Been thinking about doing it again but I'm too much of a coward to fail a second time so I should just wait until I can take a bunch of pills and die in my sleep instead of hanging myself in my closet. They say I'm not depressed but you don't know what if ****ing feels like to actually want to kill yourself. Or to want to break 19 years of family tradition by changing your name because you don't feel comfortable in your own body, let alone your name. Or have to struggle with three years worth of abandonment and heartbreak and guilt all the while pretending like it's ok. Or feel like you constantly have to be better than you are which gives you insecurities and anxiety. Sometimes I just wanna ****ing kill myself.