ive been feeling like shit so much more recently. i feel so disconnected from. everything. nothing feels real, or as lively as it used to. dont get me wrong, i like being here! i like being alive, i like being able to exist here, im not as suicidal anymore but. theres this empty hole where something good used to be. its something i know i cant replace, it wont feel better if i put a placeholder there. the hurt doesnt go away if i just cover it up

i feel pathetic for coming here of all places to vent, it makes me feel dumb and edgy, but whatever

all i want to do is hold someone or something, to be able to make them feel like everything will be okay, because its something i cant seem to tell myself. i wish i could just enjoy being alive without having stupid, self deprecating thoughts. no, i am not a horrible, depraved person. no, i HAVE hurt people, but that doesnt mean i cant change even if i try. but what if im wrong about that? what if theres no hope for me anymore? what if ive exhausted every avenue for me even having the chance to be or get better? what if i stay like this for the rest of my life? who knows, im only 14, i have quite a bit of time ahead of me

all i can really do is just hope things will get better. the same thing i tell everyone else, that things and people will get better over time. no matter how bullshit that feels. ugh

im. gonna go draw now, to get my mind off of this. probably wont post again today, who knows lul