I put on a mask sometimes. A metaphorical one;. So I act like this person I feel I should be. The best person for the job, the idyllic guy that can just know what to do. Because I never know what to do. I guess, and sometimes I'm right, so I pass it off as knowing, but I never really, REALLY know if the next thing will be good.

But pretending to be the right guy isn't good when you already are who they want, is it? Hiding your insecurities, even if it's only sometimes, isn't good.

And it's pretty annoying to have to be vague because I know soem of you are nosey and want to know what;'s going on in my life. Honestly, I'm not 100% sure myself. and all I want is to find out.

And the one thing my mask can't do is to let me know things. I can just pretend I know.

So I end up babbling in raving threads of my own comments trying to figure something out.

The weirdest part is, even though I feel so ****ing bad, I'm not the victim in this, and I know that.

I find it hard to explain what I'm thinking coherently. I don't understand what I did wrong, not the first thing. I reacted to a situation badly. I wanted to know what I did wrong and how to fix it, but I don't know what it was that I did wrong. Then I tried to give space, but I think I gave too much. And I just want to know what is wrong, but I understand why I don't know, and why I may never know.

I feel ill, I hate real confrontations, but I don't know how else to deal with problems.