i know people care for me , but sometimes i cant help but feel like i'm some sort of stupid object in their way , and i keep trying to make a conversation and i just become more awkward , and its i get nervous if i m being annoying or not , cause sometimes i make dumb jokes that can make people mad , and that is not my intention , its just my way of trying to be cool is being funny , i never wanted to be annoying or anything

people can say that i m okay and i m not annoying but that dosent make their opinion 100% correct within my head , cause i've lost or almost lost so many friends due to stupid mistakes or jokes of mine and i'm trying myself to make jokes that can hurt , but either way i dont know what to think of stuff to talk about

i've always said , "i wanted to had my mouth taped shut" , because i dont want to eventually hurt someone with words that possibly come out of mouth without me knowing it hurts them , and i dont want to push people away even though i wanna be alone so i dont have to deal with hurting someone with my words , so i just get stuck in decisions on what to do , and just accept the fate of balling my eyes out everytime i cant think

at the end of the day , people might be busy , or so i think , but i can not mis-trust people i know so i just accept that they are busy , but what if they aren't ? , what if they are pushing me away? , what if they just think i m not for them ? , all of these though keep grinding cause the lever inside of my head is jammed and dosent wanna turn off , i wanna be alone but not completly , i just want to try and get better at trying to talk , sometimes people get that but i feel like either way its gonna end in heartbreak , it's hard for me to think of what to say , what to decide , and what to possibly want , i m a literal 13 year old stuck in 17 year old body and should be thinking more wisley at this age , and i would say that i became like this when i was in 5th to 7th grade but no i cant say that cause its an excuse....so my family says. my biggest dream was to become a better person by trying to understand everyone and talk more fluid , but instead all i care acording to some people its just games

games , games , games and games , that is what some people say that i m addicted too , cant say anything else. no because they are right i dont draw , i dont do shit i cant threat sucicde when i have a mother who cares for me i m just trying my hardest to understand everything , but every voice keeps overlapping in my head like clockwork everytime i think too much and i swear , all i want in life is for me to improve on the manner of speaking , i want to not be a prick and annoying while talking i just want to be better well , you guys can comment know , i just letted my opinions flow here now so yeah

thanks kaden , i got u don't worry