i've hurt everyone i've come in contact with, i've made everything so much worse when all i wanted to do was help. i am a burden, a parasite and a problem. once i die, everything will get better for everyone else. i've been starving for weeks, trying to kill myself slowly, but i dont want to die slowly anymore. it's going to be quick an painful. i want to feel the hurt that i put everyone else through.

the last seven months have been the best of my life and i've ruined it all in only a few days. i just cant take it, i cant stand myself. i finally have someone i love who loves me back and i've hurt him, i've ruined his life so to pay for that i must end my own. i have so much more to say but nobody cares enough to listen. this is it, today im ending my life. goodbye i guess. dont miss me, im not worth it.

i've worked my ass off, trying to get someone to care. i have no one. im alone. im alone, hurt, angry, scared and broken. i cant live in a world like this anymore. everyday, i look at him and i am reminded that he does not love me and he never did and never will. i go home and get yelled at for having my own toughts, opinions and feelings. i've been crying everyday and everynight for the past three weeks, i cant take the crying anymore. i am tired.

i've broken him, i've hurt and manipulated him. death is the only thing i deserve. i am physically and emotionally tired, it hurts to do anything. it hurts to be sad. it hurts to be happy. it hurts to be angry. hell, it hurts to be alive.

im terrified of dying but im going to have to face my fears. i've lied to him. i lied to him so i could kill myself painfully. i doubt he even realizes thats hes helped me in doing this. my finger is bleeding because i ripped some of the skin back, i cant wait to paint my room in this glorious red. i call myself a God but i am nothing but a disgusting sinner, a devil. im going to make myself atone for my sins. i need to pay for all i've done. someone once told me "look to the stars, mooney. they'll take you home." its funny, stars are only visible at night. i want to go home so i will throw myself into a neverending night.

these kids are pushing me, i might just go into the bathroom and do it now. i cant stand this, i cant do this without him

i love him, i love him to the point i consider myself to be obssesed. i'd kill and die for him. hes fixed me in so many ways. hes my light, hes the only one i love. hes the only one i will ever love. if i cant have him, then i'll just die.

im selfish and greedy. i've been so hypocritical to him and everyone else. i've hurt everyone i've ever been around. trust me, i deserve more than just dying once. i hate this, i hate how i am feeling. i want it to stop. all the anger, all the pain, the sadness, i want it all to just go away. i want to sleep and never wake up. i didnt even intend to wake up this morning, i was sure i had taken enough to end this. he looks at me differently now, the way he speaks to me is different. i cant take it, i cant take knowing he doesnt love me. i want to feel his touch again, his warmth, but im scared. im scared that if he touches me i'll either break down or he'll hit me. i'd let him though. i'd let him beat until im choking on my own blood and i'd still love him above everyone else.

i want to spend my dying moments in his arms, i want him to hold me as all life drains from my body. i want to understand. i dont understand how humans work. he talks about wanting a future with me, he promised me we'd get married and have a life together. thats all i really want. why is he trying to take that away from me? doesnt he want me to be happy? but more importantly, why am i trying to take it away from myself? dont i want to be happy? yes, of course i do. but i'd rather make everyone else happy. my entire life my family has mocked and belittled me. they remind me that life would be better if i was gone and they didnt have to deal with me anymore. so, im giving the what they want.i want to make them happy and proud for once. for once in my pathetic little life, im going to do something right.

theres so much i have to tell him. i need to talk to him, i need to say my finally goodbyes. i know he hates speaking to me but i need to say something to him.

and to all my friends here, im sorry. im sorry i was never able to help you or make you feel better. im sorry i failed. thank you for dealing with me.