... and I feel really disconnected from everyone around me. I only have two friends, maybe three, and I'm so distant from them. We're hardly acquaintances, and my mental health makes it almost impossible to spend enough time to actually bond with them. I used to have plenty of friends, but because of my poor mental state making it so difficult to spend time with them we distanced, and I don't think I ever truly felt close to anyone. I can't handle being around family, biological or adopted, and if I try I just feel humiliated. Because of this, I'm extremely starved of social interaction, and very lonely. I feel kinda pathetic saying that, and I know it isn't my fault, but it still makes me feel extremely alone. Last night part of my dream I actually felt close and connected to two of the people in it, and I distinctly remember them hugging me and comforting me and actually feeling completely comforted and okay and understood despite how hard even the simplest things can be for me. I've never felt that...

... in the real world, at least that I remember, and I've just been feeling a lot of grief. It's just reminding me of everything I've missed and will keep missing because of how much of a mess I am. I'm going to therapy, I have a psychiatrist I see regularly and am taking medication, I have so much support even beyond that but I feel like it's only gotten worse TW // Self Harm to the point where I was so overwhelmed a few days ago that I scratched my arm raw and bleeding with a serrated knife and have had to keep it bandaged. I haven't hurt myself since I was 11, and I didn't think I'd do this again, but I did. I just feel so tired. // I just wish I could be okay. I don't even need to be happy, I just want to not be miserable. I just want to feel connected to someone, I just want somebody in my life who I can call a friend and not feel like I'm lying, but I can't have that unless I put the effort in, and I feel so incapable of that. I can't believe I'm feeling so much grief over "losing" people t

... that don't even exist. People that are just vague concepts that came from how my mind's processing my thoughts and trauma and how that manifests in my dreams. It's just so, so pathetic. I hate that I'm so young but already feel like my life is over because I'm so "broken." I hate that I need people but can't bring myself to care about anyone who cares for me. I hate how behind I've gotten in life experiences that my peers have gotten because of how crippling my depression and anxiety is. I hate that everyone I've cared about is gone, whether just the emotional connection however shallow it might've been, dead, or having naturally moved on with their lives without me. It's just so, so, so tiring. I feel completely trapped and desperate for any sort of control, but my future feels so out of my control. Everything does, it feels hopeless. I feel hopeless, and have for... years now. I barely remember how I felt before my depression got bad, and my memory in general feels so hazy. I barely know who I am...

... anymore. I'm just tired. Sorry for the vent, I might delete this later. I just needed some sort of outlet, because I don't have many options, haha.

I appreciate this, thank you. Sorry for such a short reply, I'm too anxious to write more so I thought this would be better than nothing :')