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Silly ah thing
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28.01.2023
52 comments
28.01.2023 07:44
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Me: How do I deal with my enemies? Mal: Kill them Me: That's a bit extreme, I was hoping for a more passive solution Mal: Kill them only a little?
28.01.2023 07:45
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Me: Mal was banned from the chicken shack, so we had to go out of town to get some. Mal: Well, they shouldn’t say “all you can eat” if they don’t mean it. Me: Mal, you ate a chair.
28.01.2023 07:45
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Me: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for four to five seconds. Mal: FORTY FIVE SECONDS?!? Me: No! Four to five seconds! Mal: Too late!!!
28.01.2023 07:46
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Me: Okay, truth or dare? Mal: Truth Me: How many hours have you slept this week? Mal: Mal: ...Dare Me: Go to bed. Mal: I don’t like this game.
28.01.2023 07:46
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Me: If there's going to be a big dramatic scene, wait until I get back. Mal: Of course. I can't flip this table by myself.
28.01.2023 07:46
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Me: That’s one of my biggest fears. Like, if I ever woke up as a donut... Mal: You would eat yourself? Me: I wouldn’t even question it.
28.01.2023 07:47
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Me, going over Mal's resume: Okay, so right here, it states that you’re creative. Mal: Yes Me: Okay... may I know what you create? Mal: Problems.
28.01.2023 07:47
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Me: Am I in trouble? Mal: Take a guess. Me: No? Mal: Take another guess.
28.01.2023 07:48
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Me: Mal, stop! This isn't you, you've gone mad with power! Mal: Well of course I have. Mal: Have you ever tried going mad without power? Mal: It's boring.
28.01.2023 07:48
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Me: This is bothering me. Mal: Well, you are digging up a corpse. Me: No, not that. That's, uh, pretty par for the course, actually.
28.01.2023 07:48
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Me: Please, I'm begging you go to a doctor. Mal: I'm sorry is this OUR stab wound? Stay out of it.
28.01.2023 07:49
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*Me and Mal are doing something absurdly dangerous* Me: I think Houdini did something like this once! Why, if I recall correctly, he was out of the hospital in no time! Mal, deadpan: Well that's encouraging.
28.01.2023 07:49
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Me: You're right. Mal: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?
28.01.2023 07:49
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Me: I can explain. Mal: Can you? Me: If you give me thirty seconds to think of a lie.
28.01.2023 07:50
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Me: This is a mistake Mal, enthusiastically: A mistake we're going to laugh about one day! Me: But not today Mal, still enthusiastic: Oh, no. Today's going to be a mess
28.01.2023 07:50
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Me, in a meeting: My policy is if you see something, say something. Mal: I saw a squirrel in a tree today! Me, with the tone of someone who is used to Mal: Outstanding. Me: This is what I’m talking about people.
28.01.2023 07:51
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Me: *Stubs their toe* ****! Mal: Mind your language! Me: What else am I supposed to say, “Woe is I”??? Mal: Me: You have to accept that swear words are necessary sometimes.
28.01.2023 07:51
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Me: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3am to look at the stars. Mal: If anyone, and I mean anyone, wakes me up at 3am to go look at the damn sky they will be removed indefinitely from my life.
28.01.2023 07:51
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Me: You often use humor to deflect trauma Mal: Thank you Me: I didn't say that was a good thing Mal: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny
28.01.2023 07:52
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Me: Jail is no fun. I’ll tell you that much. Mal: Oh, you’ve been? Me: Once. In Monopoly.
28.01.2023 07:53
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Me: Hey Mal can I get a sip of your water? Mal: It's not water. Me: Vodka, I like your style! Mal: It's vinegar. Me: Wh-Wha- Mal: It's vinegar, COWARD.
28.01.2023 07:53
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Me: Okay, help me please! Mal: Got two words for you. Me: I bet they won't be helpful. Mal: Your problem. Me: I was right
28.01.2023 07:53
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Me, standing with their back turned: I’ve been expecting you, Mal. Mal: How did you do that without turning around? Me: ... To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.
28.01.2023 07:54
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Me: Okay. I get it. You've had a really hard time lately, you're stressed out, seven people died- Mal: Twelve, actually. Me: Not the point. Look, they're dead now and really whose fault is that? Mal: Yours! Me: That's right: no one's.
28.01.2023 07:55
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Me, in a beach shirt: So sue me, it's October and I'd like to be on Island Time for a day! Mal: I have Spotify open right now on my computer, do you want me to blast you? Do you want me to put you on blast? Cuz I've got your history right here on the sidebar, Mal: Take it Back by Jimmy Buffet, Nautical Wheelers by Jimmy Buffet, Jolly Mon Sing by Jimmy Buffet, Steamer by Jimmy Buffet, trEAT HER LIKE A LADY BY JIMMY BUFFET, MAÑANA BY JIMMY BUFFET, WHEN SALOME PLAYS THE DRUMS BY JAMES BUFFET, HAVANA DAYDREAMIN BY JIMMY BUFFET- What the **** happened to you?! Me, laughing: I HAD A CASE OF THE MONDAYS Mal: ARE YOU HAUNTED?! ARE YOU ****ING POSSESSED?! Mal: YOU USED TO BE MY FRIEND Me, cry-laughing: I had the case of the Mondays.
28.01.2023 07:56
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Me: You know, not every problem can be solved with a sword. Mal: That's why I carry two swords.
28.01.2023 07:56
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Me: Ok, maybe playing ‘whose family is most dysfunctional’ wasn’t the best idea we’ve had. Mal's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can’t get them out...
28.01.2023 07:56
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Me, trying to cheer the group up: Things could be worse, you know! Mal: How? Me: How what? Mal: How could they be worse? Me: They couldn’t, I lied. Mal:
28.01.2023 07:57
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Me: Top 30 reasons why Jack is sorry... Number 5 will surprise you! Mal: Top 30 anime deaths. Number One: YOUR ****ING ASS RIGHT NOW!!!
28.01.2023 07:57
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Me: I was arrested for being too cool. Mal: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.
28.01.2023 07:57
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Me: Remember when you didn't try to solve all your problems with attempted murder? Mal: Stop romanticizing the past.
28.01.2023 07:58
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Me: I'm a reverse necromancer. Mal: Isn't that just killing people? Me: Ah, technicality.
28.01.2023 07:59
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Me: Change is inedible. Mal: Don't you mean inevitable? Me, spitting out coins: No, I did not.
28.01.2023 07:59
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Me: I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. Mal: You're like 19 years old Me: I MIGHT DIE AT 30!
28.01.2023 07:59
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Me: Do you have any skeletons in your closet? Mal: You mean literally or figuratively? Me: Honestly, the fact that I have to specify...
28.01.2023 08:00
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Me: You kill people for money?! Mal: I can explain! Me: And all this time I’ve been doing it for free like a chump!
28.01.2023 08:00
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Me: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives Mal: I wake up at 4:30 AM Me: Me: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives
28.01.2023 08:01
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Me: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them. Mal: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.
28.01.2023 08:01
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Me: Sorry it took me so long to bail you out of jail Mal: No it’s my fault, I shouldn’t’ve used my one phone call to prank call the police
28.01.2023 08:02
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Me: You saved me. I owe you my life. Mal: No thanks. I’ve seen it and I’m not very impressed.
28.01.2023 08:02
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Me: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.-- [translation: I’M SORRY] Mal: What's that? Me: Remorse code. Mal: I'm even angrier now.
28.01.2023 08:03
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Me, watching the news: Someone tried to fight a squid at the aquarium today! Mal: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick.
28.01.2023 08:03
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Me: I am not out of control! I'm a law abiding citizen! Mal: Really? Name one law Me: Don't kill people? Mal: That's on me. I set the bar too low.
28.01.2023 08:04
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Me: So what’s for dinner? Mal, staring at the food they just burnt: Regret.
28.01.2023 08:08
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Me: Oh just so you know, it's very muggy outside Mal: Mal: Me, I swear, if I step outside and all of our mugs are on the front lawn... Me: *Sips coffee from bowl*
28.01.2023 08:08
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Me: Do you take constructive criticism? Mal: I only take cash or credit.
28.01.2023 08:08
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Me: Someone will die. Mal: Of fun!
28.01.2023 08:11
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Me: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming Mal: Does anyone in this godforsaken group ever think before they speak
28.01.2023 08:11
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Me: You're 'the second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans', what does that mean? Mal: It means i was second worst thing to happen to those orphans. Me: but what’s the first worst thing? *Awkward pause* Mal: Jack, they...they weren’t always orphans. Me:
28.01.2023 08:12
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Me: *holding a bottle* Is this whiskey or perfume? Mal: *chugs entire bottle* Mal: It’s perfume.
28.01.2023 08:12
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Me: Hey, you want some leftovers? Mal: What's that? Me: You've never had leftovers??? Mal: No, because I'm not a quitter.
28.01.2023 08:12
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Me: Here's some advice Mal: I didn't ask for any Me: Too bad. I'm stuck here with my thoughts and you're the only one who talks to me
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