Me: How do I deal with my enemies? Mal: Kill them Me: That's a bit extreme, I was hoping for a more passive solution Mal: Kill them only a little?

Me: Mal was banned from the chicken shack, so we had to go out of town to get some. Mal: Well, they shouldn’t say “all you can eat” if they don’t mean it. Me: Mal, you ate a chair.

Me: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for four to five seconds. Mal: FORTY FIVE SECONDS?!? Me: No! Four to five seconds! Mal: Too late!!!

Me: Okay, truth or dare? Mal: Truth Me: How many hours have you slept this week? Mal: Mal: ...Dare Me: Go to bed. Mal: I don’t like this game.

Me: If there's going to be a big dramatic scene, wait until I get back. Mal: Of course. I can't flip this table by myself.

Me: That’s one of my biggest fears. Like, if I ever woke up as a donut... Mal: You would eat yourself? Me: I wouldn’t even question it.

Me, going over Mal's resume: Okay, so right here, it states that you’re creative. Mal: Yes Me: Okay... may I know what you create? Mal: Problems.

Me: Am I in trouble? Mal: Take a guess. Me: No? Mal: Take another guess.

Me: Mal, stop! This isn't you, you've gone mad with power! Mal: Well of course I have. Mal: Have you ever tried going mad without power? Mal: It's boring.

Me: This is bothering me. Mal: Well, you are digging up a corpse. Me: No, not that. That's, uh, pretty par for the course, actually.

Me: Please, I'm begging you go to a doctor. Mal: I'm sorry is this OUR stab wound? Stay out of it.

*Me and Mal are doing something absurdly dangerous* Me: I think Houdini did something like this once! Why, if I recall correctly, he was out of the hospital in no time! Mal, deadpan: Well that's encouraging.

Me: You're right. Mal: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

Me: I can explain. Mal: Can you? Me: If you give me thirty seconds to think of a lie.

Me: This is a mistake Mal, enthusiastically: A mistake we're going to laugh about one day! Me: But not today Mal, still enthusiastic: Oh, no. Today's going to be a mess

Me, in a meeting: My policy is if you see something, say something. Mal: I saw a squirrel in a tree today! Me, with the tone of someone who is used to Mal: Outstanding. Me: This is what I’m talking about people.

Me: *Stubs their toe* ****! Mal: Mind your language! Me: What else am I supposed to say, “Woe is I”??? Mal: Me: You have to accept that swear words are necessary sometimes.

Me: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3am to look at the stars. Mal: If anyone, and I mean anyone, wakes me up at 3am to go look at the damn sky they will be removed indefinitely from my life.

Me: You often use humor to deflect trauma Mal: Thank you Me: I didn't say that was a good thing Mal: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny

Me: Jail is no fun. I’ll tell you that much. Mal: Oh, you’ve been? Me: Once. In Monopoly.

Me: Hey Mal can I get a sip of your water? Mal: It's not water. Me: Vodka, I like your style! Mal: It's vinegar. Me: Wh-Wha- Mal: It's vinegar, COWARD.

Me: Okay, help me please! Mal: Got two words for you. Me: I bet they won't be helpful. Mal: Your problem. Me: I was right

Me, standing with their back turned: I’ve been expecting you, Mal. Mal: How did you do that without turning around? Me: ... To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.

Me: Okay. I get it. You've had a really hard time lately, you're stressed out, seven people died- Mal: Twelve, actually. Me: Not the point. Look, they're dead now and really whose fault is that? Mal: Yours! Me: That's right: no one's.

Me, in a beach shirt: So sue me, it's October and I'd like to be on Island Time for a day! Mal: I have Spotify open right now on my computer, do you want me to blast you? Do you want me to put you on blast? Cuz I've got your history right here on the sidebar, Mal: Take it Back by Jimmy Buffet, Nautical Wheelers by Jimmy Buffet, Jolly Mon Sing by Jimmy Buffet, Steamer by Jimmy Buffet, trEAT HER LIKE A LADY BY JIMMY BUFFET, MAÑANA BY JIMMY BUFFET, WHEN SALOME PLAYS THE DRUMS BY JAMES BUFFET, HAVANA DAYDREAMIN BY JIMMY BUFFET- What the **** happened to you?! Me, laughing: I HAD A CASE OF THE MONDAYS Mal: ARE YOU HAUNTED?! ARE YOU ****ING POSSESSED?! Mal: YOU USED TO BE MY FRIEND Me, cry-laughing: I had the case of the Mondays.

Me: You know, not every problem can be solved with a sword. Mal: That's why I carry two swords.

Me: Ok, maybe playing ‘whose family is most dysfunctional’ wasn’t the best idea we’ve had. Mal's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can’t get them out...

Me, trying to cheer the group up: Things could be worse, you know! Mal: How? Me: How what? Mal: How could they be worse? Me: They couldn’t, I lied. Mal:

Me: Top 30 reasons why Jack is sorry... Number 5 will surprise you! Mal: Top 30 anime deaths. Number One: YOUR ****ING ASS RIGHT NOW!!!

Me: I was arrested for being too cool. Mal: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

Me: Remember when you didn't try to solve all your problems with attempted murder? Mal: Stop romanticizing the past.

Me: I'm a reverse necromancer. Mal: Isn't that just killing people? Me: Ah, technicality.

Me: Change is inedible. Mal: Don't you mean inevitable? Me, spitting out coins: No, I did not.

Me: I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. Mal: You're like 19 years old Me: I MIGHT DIE AT 30!

Me: Do you have any skeletons in your closet? Mal: You mean literally or figuratively? Me: Honestly, the fact that I have to specify...

Me: You kill people for money?! Mal: I can explain! Me: And all this time I’ve been doing it for free like a chump!

Me: I want to wake up with you every day for the rest of our lives Mal: I wake up at 4:30 AM Me: Me: I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives

Me: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them. Mal: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

Me: Sorry it took me so long to bail you out of jail Mal: No it’s my fault, I shouldn’t’ve used my one phone call to prank call the police

Me: You saved me. I owe you my life. Mal: No thanks. I’ve seen it and I’m not very impressed.

Me: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.-- [translation: I’M SORRY] Mal: What's that? Me: Remorse code. Mal: I'm even angrier now.

Me, watching the news: Someone tried to fight a squid at the aquarium today! Mal: *walks in covered with ink* Well, maybe the squid was being a dick.

Me: I am not out of control! I'm a law abiding citizen! Mal: Really? Name one law Me: Don't kill people? Mal: That's on me. I set the bar too low.

Me: So what’s for dinner? Mal, staring at the food they just burnt: Regret.

Me: Oh just so you know, it's very muggy outside Mal: Mal: Me, I swear, if I step outside and all of our mugs are on the front lawn... Me: *Sips coffee from bowl*

Me: Do you take constructive criticism? Mal: I only take cash or credit.

Me: Someone will die. Mal: Of fun!

Me: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming Mal: Does anyone in this godforsaken group ever think before they speak

Me: You're 'the second worst thing to ever happen to those orphans', what does that mean? Mal: It means i was second worst thing to happen to those orphans. Me: but what’s the first worst thing? *Awkward pause* Mal: Jack, they...they weren’t always orphans. Me:

Me: *holding a bottle* Is this whiskey or perfume? Mal: *chugs entire bottle* Mal: It’s perfume.

Me: Hey, you want some leftovers? Mal: What's that? Me: You've never had leftovers??? Mal: No, because I'm not a quitter.

Me: Here's some advice Mal: I didn't ask for any Me: Too bad. I'm stuck here with my thoughts and you're the only one who talks to me