im not gonna describe the breaking point but it was very bad and his sister hates me now and we were friends

i just want to be loved again i wish i was a better girlfriend i wish i was a better friend i wish i wasnt me

id give anything to be a better person and to change but i keep proving again and again that i wont change i keep DOING THIS. it happened with my parents it happened with my uncle it happened with the one person who actually truly loved me for who i was and who, most importantly, stayed. i thought my life wouldnt change anymore. I thought, "this is it. I dont need to keep changing anymore because this is where im going to be for the rest of my life but no now im told that i have to live alone and i dont know if i can handle that because i really really hate myself idk if im going to hurt myself or starve myself or have the place im staying at broken into and i get killed by someone else im so scared

i wish he'd come back

i wish i knew how to make everything better

i wish i knew what was wrong with me

i want to fix me but i dont know how

i can say "i wish" all i want but it doesnt change the fact that he hates me now and everyone who i know hates me "maybe i will kill myself, nobody would miss me." i tell myself but every time i think like that i remember my bf telling me that hed hate me even more if i killed myself and that id go to hell for killing myself and so i stay alive and keep suffering i want to know why i cant change

i keep pleading to god, "help me" but he does not answer i cry out in pain and yet he ignores me 'i want to change' i say, and he turns a blind eye why?