im not sure what i was put through was considered abuse or not because i see people normalizing some of this stuff so i dont know. i dont remember much before my parents divorced and i dont know the exact reason why my mom divorced my father. i dont rememeber if he was abusive then and i dont remember or what. but when my parents split up i always hated going to my dads house. every single week i would think "i have to go to my dads this weekend" and i woukd be upset. but i went anyways. he called me things sometimes i guess. he yelled at me and said i ate like a rodent because i was eating weird or something?? he called me a terrible daughter and yelled at me because i guess i wasnt paying enough attention to my sisters? (i was 6 or 7 at the time) when i was like 7, 8 and 9 my dad woukd be busy doing something and when my baby sisters would fall or something he would scream at me and tell me i almost killed them? when i left my legos and shopkins on the floor he would do the same. he yelled at me a lot-

as a child because he was drinking more alcohol then. i would probably say more like screamed because it hurt my ears also i cannot hear well and im not sure if that is the reason or not. when i open up to my dad he guilt trips me, when i dont talk to him or see him he "worries" about me. i dont know. is this normal?? he doesnt really scream as much as before but i still get really scared when he raises his voice slightly because im afraid he will scream. also i have no time to myself at his house. i am always supposed to say good morning to everyone. if i dont say goodmorning to my stepmom she will freak out for some reason like shutup woman. i try to talk about my interests but then i just shut up because they coukd give less of a shit about what i like because they still think i like poop emojis and dumb shit like that from when i was in elementary school

if i try to talk about something i get lectured like im some 7 year old again and then sometimes my dad talks about the most random shit. i was diagnosed with depression in 5th grade and my dad found out and then proceeded to traumadump to me while we were outside cooking on the grill that his friend committed suicide like ok i was 10 chill out dude. and he always talks about how much he hates people who are transgender and gay and whatever its annoying and makes me so uncomfortable

i was mostly taught as a child to be selfless and put others before yourself but i am now a terrible people pleaser and i almost always will do what someone else wants to make them happy. ive been trying to get better at standing my ground and taking time to myself but im worried about everyone else and i taught myself it is selfish to even think people care about you. so i hardly ever believe people care about me. and i dont want people to care about me. because its stupid. im literally a waste of everyones time yet people still talk to me and say they care and i dont get it and maybe i never will.

im really scared to mess up iwant to be perfect and i mess up so much and im really scared i just dont want to lose everything thats important to me i just want to be what everyone wants me to be. i dont know who i am, i dont know what my personality is, i dont understand myself

andim afraid everyone will abandon me and i cant live alone. when i try to isolate myself all i do is mess up more and more and i just ruin everything and i justy want everyone to think im a happy silly person and not this ****ed up weird kid with issues. i want to be like n because he is always happy and optimistic but i am nothing like him and it hurts because i want to be happy all the time like him but im not

i usually feel nothing or just sad or depression. sometimes im happy and i want to make my happiness a bigger part of my life but i dont know how to

i want to be happy so everyone will like me

im not sure but i was thinking that too? but im not sure if it just normal tho

WHY IS THERE LEMONS LOL