Im not even sad this morning. Just thinking, thats all ive been doing since ive been out of my house, just thinking. Maybe i should do more of that

Its odd, ive grown and aged and i feel like i should "get it" by now. When does life become interesting? It feels like for all this time, ive been waiting for it to start. Maybe in that time, i pushed it too much, and didnt appreciate the things between. I wish i lingered in those moments where i felt safest. Those moments are precious and i shouldve shown more care to stay. Im not philosophical or anything, but i think about it a lot.

I need to stop coming here to vent. I havent really grown out of thaat yettt. It feels meaningless, no ones listening. Its like talking into a void

I wish i could wipe my social media presence from the earth, i wish EVERYTHING could dissapear and i wouldnt remember. BUT the only bad thing about that would be forgetting all of my friends. All of my friends helped me through times and places ive been when i desperately needed them most. I wish i could have connections like that again, but i never find myself making them,,,atleast not easily. I cant trust that they will truly be there, or they will truly listen. What if theyre talking about me ask we speak? What if they secretly hate me? What if theyre a spy to get dirt on me? Its all happened before.

And when i do make semi lasting connections in current day? Its abusive, or they have feelings for me, or theyre generally rude, or they use slurs they cant reclaim, and a bunch of other bull that i just dont personally like. I dont want to be vague. I hate vague posting cause it feels. Pointless. But sometimes it feels like you scroll through my account. Maybe that's what i like to believe? I think about you a lot, and sometimes i check up on you! I noticed a lot, and i wish i could text you about things again. I had a chance to, but i didnt. Not because i forgot, but because i was afraid to mess it up again. If you feel the time is right, and youre comfortable again, you can say hi! I wouldnt want to bother you. I would like to meet you again! I feel stupid

I should probably go back to sleep. Im tired. Goodnight!