entirety of high school. i can't focus, i freeze up too much to write or type, so i didn't do anything for the entirety of quarantine and after. even beforehand, i could hardly finish anything because im always so out of it. therapy and medication didnt help. im going to have to take the GED's to try and pass, since i'm so far beyond any hope of getting my diploma no matter how much help i receive. im supposed to do that when i can barely even process my immediate surroundings. the only two friends im still vaguely in contact with are now going to COLLEGE together. they made it and i dont know them anymore, ive been left behind. i dont understand them and im so lonely. we hardly talk, i know they think im pathetic became they cant understand me or what this is like either. theyre so functional, and i can barely talk most of the time. i would give anything to feel okay, or to even seem like i am. im broken and doomed to die alone just like my father. i'd give anything.

i've been self harming lately and it never feels like enough. i dont want to but the urges are always there. sometimes i wonder if the fact i feel like i need to hurt myself to calm down, especially after i have or feel like i have upset someone, comes at least partially from the times my father would beat me when he was angry, or when my grandmother would hit me with a fly swatter when i was young. i guess ive come to associate physical pain with the ending of conflict or something. or it feels wrong that nobody's hurting me, so i just put that burden on myself instead. i dont know.

i've been seriously thinking about ending my life. it's long overdue at this point, i've been wanting to for so long... but im so scared. i dont want to hurt the few that are still here caring about me, even if i dont understand why they would anymore and resent them for it. i just want to feel okay, why cant this end? what did i do to deserve this? all i ever wanted was to feel loved. im so lonely. im so broken. i dont think im capable of it and i dont think i ever will be. im finally going back to therapy again soon, at least. i can only hope it helps, this is the last option i have. otherwise i dont know what i can do to save me anymore. ive been fighting for so long i wont kill myself, even though i really want to sometimes. i cant promise that to anyone, but im afraid to, in spite of everything. i dont believe in an afterlife, and the idea of true nothingness is terrifying. i just want an escape from the constant distress and emptiness; ill keep trying my best to find one elsewhere even if it's hopele