I just really wish nobody knew me. not, like, this account, but my ideal world is one where nobody remembers the real me once i'm done having a conversation with them, because the amount of anxiety i have knowing that people know i exist is. ridiculous. and im not close to anyone, anyways. even though i really, really want to feel close to people, because im so used to feeling disconnected in general, i also feel disgusted by people caring about me, and no matter what i do people don't stop. i'd be able to live so much more carefree without having to worry about how people view, think of, and remember me. i fantasize a lot about fleeing to another state or country someday and completely changing my identity, but i know that'd be cruel and selfish, and there's no way people wouldn't search for me. sometimes i wish i could be friends with someone incapable of forming bonds and completely comfortable being cruel, selfish, and manipulative towards me just so i can feel something and not worry about them caring

but that's ridiculous, and i know it's also a result of me just... not having much self-preservation at all. and feeling a need to feel things stronger than i am and hurt myself. but the idea of just being entertainment to someone without them really SEEING me as a person or having any empathy for me and vice-versa (for the entertainment bit, at least, since i can't help but empathize regardless of who it is) is really appealing, since i struggle with having close relationships for mental health reasons anyway and am disgusted by it on some level (probably as a result and also because of trauma). I still want to be close to people, and cry and grieve almost daily because i lack that at the moment, and im not sure if i ever had it, but. i don't know. i guess this would be really destructive in practice, but thinking about things like this is how i cope.

anyways... feel free to trauma dump and/or share your own stuff if you need to, idm. im feeling... fine, right now, i guess, and i know ive had the urge to share on vents before myself but haven't out of worry of making someone feel worse, being disrespectful, just generally being insensitive or making it about my own problems. i normally wouldn't condone it at all, but here on my own post it's alright. only if you think it'll help you, though, please try your best not to be self-destructive