Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with mother****ing ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layers lengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A ****ING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern. Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all ****ing day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE ****ING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a ****ing Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a ****ing pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY ****ING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito. And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like ****ing corn on the cob. Like a ****ing typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND. Nope. My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND ME FOR A FEW MINUTES UNTIL I CAN ****ING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE ****ING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER ****ING SALSA POCKET..

You built this thing like a ****ing pack of LifeSavers. And don’t even ****ing think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY ****ING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU ****ING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO ****ING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE. What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY ****ING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito. In conclusion: You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR MY FRIEND WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”: A ****ing fork? I DIDN’T ORDER THE ****ING COBBURRITO SALAD. If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER. That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a ****ing wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHER****ER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL. Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called ****ing HANDS. A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m ****ing sobbing now. People eat burritos with forks? God is sorry he made us.

Yes.