Anyway I just needed a space to vent but had no where familiar to go to until I remembered flipanim

I’ve always liked talking to myself on here, making it public so that if something ever happened to me someone could read my honest thoughts and I could feel seen I guess Awkward asf in retrospect but I miss the way things used to be here

There’s almost no way I can paint my life to be anything but emo or tragic, it’s taken me a long time to realize that it’s not something I should be trying to change either, the past is in the past and I can’t change the outcomes of it once it happens. A lot of self reflection has led me to believe that it wasn’t because of me telling my counselor about the way my brother touched me years ago that ruined my chances at ever being good for my family. I’ve just never been good. My mom told me a long time ago she would’ve gotten an abortion had she believed in that stuff This feels so weird I don’t ever remember being so openly honest with flipanim Now that barely anyone’s here though I feel okay about it

My first ever friend was a girl who taught me about art, I didn’t know anything about “this side” of the internet, fnaf undertale and everything that was popular in the animation meme community When I started drawing my mom’s first goal was to shut it down, criticizing a 9 year old me on every part of the drawing and it made me want to feel like giving up. I haven’t been passionate about art for about two years now, every canvas I make feels like a chore. But had I just been a little smarter, put more effort into school or tried a more popular hobby I wouldn’t be where I am today I’m now more angry than anything when I draw I get so frustrated looking at a canvas that clearly isn’t up to par with others my age I lack the basic comprehension of everything in art to create something that’s pleasing to the eye My art is almost run of the mill it’s not great but not bad either it’s not enough

More than anything right now I miss my friends I made here Rose and arc Marshall and so many more people I used to spend so much time on art with them art with passion and excitement Back then I didn’t care at all for if it was great or not Just that I had improved and was creating something This feels so terrible, I don’t ever want to be a victim, I’m so stubborn about it nowadays that I forget there’s something mentally wrong with me, chemically I simply can’t find it in me to be passionate about anything I spent all those years focusing on creating, more than grades more than talents more than making my mom proud And now that I’ve lost my passion for art I’m trying to hold onto it as hard as I can because it’s all I’ve practiced on almost daily and if not daily most definitely weekly for 9 years

This feels so scary, like something is resting on my chest and won’t disappear. I can’t find a job I haven’t been able to for months. And when I did they paid me literal cents and only scheduled me once a week, my parents couldn’t afford the Ubers to work because they cost at least half the paycheck that I got. I had to quit and now I’m not even earning money, im getting pressured to find a new job stat The time I feared the most is finally here When I told everyone I’d be dead by 18 but here I am, 5 more months until I’m 19 I’ve got no idea how to be an adult, I feel incredibly stupid and lonely all the time and completely helpless Ever since I was young I’d cry as loudly as possible hoping someone would hear me and help me and I’m beyond astonished that I still believe anyone cares now My parents not once have come to comfort me when I’m upset but I still get hurt over it and it’s crazy to me because why do I even care that much if they’ve always been this way?

Seriously what is wrong with me that I can’t just man up and get over it? Say “Oh you don’t care? Ok neither do I” why is it that my only talent is taking up space and crying I can’t believe I thought it was bad when I was 13 on here crying about how I wanted to end my life because of a meager argument with my parents I have to completely block out the thought nowadays because it’s impossible Even back then when I really did attempt I always left a way out because I just wanted someone to care Last year around my birthday I attempted to overdose I called my mom because I was sure she’d help me, after all the year prior my sister tried and they dropped everything to bring here to the hospital. My mom just groaned and said “seriously? Can’t you hear that I’m working? I’m getting really sick of this act” I don’t know why I didn’t just take the mouthful, because of that I spent the entire day throwing up and feeling weak.

My brain is so foggy nowadays, I can’t feel anything but exhaustion, anxiety and fear. I cringed at my old vents for a while a couple weeks ago but I never stopped to realize that younger me felt just as helpless. Since no one at home or at school was taking her stress seriously, and that her only place to turn to was the internet. To people she assumed were her friends. I’m very careful about my friends now, I only have one real good friend. I’d do anything for him because he’s stuck with me throughout this entire thing, flipanim to now. I was too young to grasp the concept that strangers on the internet can’t help you. I was so hell bent on getting someone to “save me” just like in all the anime and shows that I watched I never tried it myself I’ve been taking much better care of myself now though, I take frequent showers and eat at least twice a day, I maintain a clean room where I keep my floor clear and walkable and clean my laundry at least once a week

I’ll never live in filth again, a room with fruit flies and their maggots growing on the food plates left out from weeks prior, going two to three weeks without showering or wearing dirty clothes just because I didn’t want to wash them. I’m content with the way I take care of myself now because it’s better than it was two years ago. My sweet boyfriend has taken such good care of me, we just reached a whole year and I’ve decided he’s the man I want to marry. Even now I know that even though I’m so stressed about all this stuff piling up. I have things to look forward to again. I remember a time when everything looked blacked out for me, and I was crashing out every other day because I never knew what to do. But now it’s back, my future is back and even though it’s nothing like I dreamed it’s there. I can work out the kinks along the way. He’s my goal so I just can’t let myself get hopeless

Flipanim has always been a weird sorta safe space for me, even when I’d get made fun of for venting all the time, or when I learned that some people didn’t like me because of it I still had those people around who’d spend time with me when no one else would I spent all day here when I was younger and now I only come once every few months That’s something I never would’ve seen I’m still really thankful to whoever created flipanim though, I did feel seen My art felt seen, the things I was into and the things I wanted to share, it was a pretty nice place when you weren’t actively seeking drama lol Im scared to admit this, because a lot of genuinely messed up shit happened here But had I not found the people who’ve carried my art and loved it, almost 1000 people who liked what I drew I would’ve quit art or I think I actually would’ve gone through with ending my life when I was younger Even though absolutely repulsive things happened here, I’m still so grateful for flipanim

I hope if my old friends ever come back here and think of me, they’ll get into regular contact with me again I’m doing my best to draw as often as I possibly can, and I’m trying to keep up the good streak with my life right now lol I changed my usernames on all platforms again You wouldn’t believe what I changed it too lmao 🙄 Melancholy_Teaa Gah Anyway if by some lucky chance someone is reading this Thank you