May or may not be me
by:
convenientdrawer 
127
127
20.11.2025
16 comments
convenientdrawer[OP]
20.11.2025 08:22
Link"I create too many fake fantasies and wish to dream. But I dream when I sleep, and I don't sleep much. I can't find a way to focus and I lose track on how I should act. I can't decide when to sleep or when to talk and I'm starting to wish I could change my past. I feel like I'm slowing down and losing faith in myself. I want to change, but the people around me must think that I only want to change for one person. I genuinely just dislike myself. I want to be someone I can be proud of, not someone who can only speak their mind in a private space. I want to change, but I'm scared that I'll lose what I had before"
convenientdrawer[OP]
20.11.2025 08:24
LinkI've done bad things and wish to erase my past, but I cant. I hate seeing myself in a mirror because I know what I've done. I can't redeem, only atone.
Comment removed
convenientdrawer[OP]
20.11.2025 08:28
LinkI think I'm a horrible person and people disagree because they use a criminal to show me that I'm a normal guy. But they never use a positive good person to show me who I am compared to them.
convenientdrawer[OP]
20.11.2025 08:34
LinkSomeone made me realize that I've done unforgivable things and that moment, I felt guilt for every little thing I've done. I thought I was ok, but now I see that I'm kind of a dick. Especially with my closest friends. They tolerate my actions, but never enjoy it, and I realize that if I spoke to a stranger the way I do with friends, I'd never be seen as a logical person
convenientdrawer[OP]
20.11.2025 08:38
LinkAnd I noticed that I talk to you all in a positive way, but I'm going to be honest. It's because I still see you all as strangers and I don't want you to think I'm a bad person. But I'm admitting now, that I have done bad things, and I wish I could be open about it. I know I don't need to and it's private, but even here, I feel like I'm trying to seek validation by admitting my wrongdoings. But I don't want to be a dick anymore, not to you guys, not to my friends, and not to myself.
convenientdrawer[OP]
20.11.2025 08:43
LinkWas just notified I got an F in a class. RIP. I'm so tired
convenientdrawer[OP]
20.11.2025 08:48
LinkYou know, everyday, I think of an escalator to help me imagine which side I'm on. Am I going up or down? Is my action positive or negative? Am I feeling great, or down? Do I want to stand up or lay down. Am I on the correct side?
convenientdrawer[OP]
20.11.2025 08:50
LinkPlease don't focus on me venting, because I totally am. just tell me what you guys feel. Are you guys happy? Upset? Fine? Worried? Anxious? Healthy?
Everyday is an honest effort, but it'd do a great deal you put some grey in your thinking
Is it really that unforgivable, or are you just not giving yourself the chance to do anything
Because it can only be you to do it, nobody else can
You have a lot more choices than you think you do
And the approval of others is not needed to change for the better
That's up to you, and by denying yourself because you think everyone will only see you as otherwise is only going to lead you farther down
Because there's people here that don't think so lowly of you as much as people don't think highly of you
Be a little kinder to yourself
That's fair and I agree, it's just the intrusive thinking that blocks mental advancement. Not a social problem, just a me problem
And it's certainly such a learned habit for it to become intrusive
It's really hard to change but it's something else to be afraid to change for the life you deserve
Nobody should have to live their lives believing everything they've done and do is wrong, so it's worth to try