Man, it's really funny what a little change can do for you. I have been feeling so much better recently, even started walking again and I've been putting at least a little more effort into myself. I have been managing my anxiety soooo much better than I have in years, the doom and hopelessness and overwhelming anxiety have been mostly very manageable! I started looking into stuff for my favorite comfort character and found such a fun fanfic! I've been absolutely losing my mind over it and reading and rereading and interacting with the fan base for it has really dragged me out of my rotting corner. I've been laughing and smiling and honestly so much happier. I've decided I'm gonna keep indulging in what brings me joy and not feel weird because some people think fanfics are cringe. I am free and I am so joyous! I haven't felt so level in I don't even know how long. I've even done fanart! I don't do fanart! It hasn't fixed me, but it is enough to bring me peace and comfort for now and that's enough for me.

I am being pulled apart by a million hands and I want to cry, but I don't have the energy. I've only distinctly wanted to really hurt myself like this twice, but of course I can't do anything and I won't. I keep downing sugar trying to fix it because nothing is helping and I just feel miserable. I've done some drawing, looked up some art, looking at the art helped me feel at least a little better, but the second I stop focusing on it, I just feel worse. I want someone to rip me apart, I want it to be slow and painful. Maybe then I would feel a little less trapped, maybe then it would help make the outside match the inside. I don't want to do anything anymore and I can't sleep and no one wants to be around me. I can't blame them.

I ****ing hate my birthday. I have always hated them. For some reason or another, it always ends with me being miserable and exhausted. Some years I had hope it would be better, but it all ends the same. I have cried three times today, almost had a full break down today, and have had entirely too much sugar to try to make myself feel any kind of better, but it hasn't. So I'm just a fat, miserable, lazy slob who is never good enough for anyone or anything. It's how it ends every birthday, just another to add to the pile. I'll make sure not to get my hopes up next year.

any relief or joy is not what he wants to do. It will probably end up forgotten and rot away like the rest and Silver and Dead Grass will stay in the void with the rest of my babies for the rest of time. I hate how no one wants any of my characters unless they are free. The only person to offer anything was one person offering a character trade, all of which were characters which seemed to be all free designs they snatched up to offer for more interesting characters. Are my babies really not worth anything? He doesn't want to even draw something simple for any of them and just waits for me to give up. At least I know they'll get some use with them. It just feels stupid and hopeless to keep trying when they're all just getting tossed away to the piranhas or reluctantly handed over to him. I have spent so much time on my babies after I joined the server, I've spent more time cleaning them up and making them look better and trying to make my designs cool and appealing, but it doesn't matter.I guess Ill just rot

reading any of this probably thinks I'm just being a baby and need to grow up and I tried so hard to be as a kid, but my parents always hated it and everyone else either looked to me to save them from their problems and leave or ignore me. I'm so tired. I wish it wasn't so hard to find people who won't use me or ignore me. I wish it wasn't so hard to be loved. I wish every comment anyone makes about me wasn't held so close and used as another reason for me to hate myself more than I already do. Every flaw and mistake just becomes another reason for me to kill myself already, every time I get ignored is just another attempt to reach out that no one wanted and no one cared about. Maybe it would be better for me to just die. Then I won't waste any more of my parent's money, then I won't ever have to bother him, then I won't always feel these constant weights, but I'm too tired. I don't even want to play anything. I've tried and it has just felt like a chore. Drawing is too much and the only thing that brings me