i think its because of self-esteem issues?? i'm such a people-pleaser that i can't stand making other people feel uncomfortable or bad and then i start to beat myself up

i think that's why i don't like discord servers i always say ONE thing that is ever so slightly weird and someone calls me out on it and i freak out

i think the hypersensitivity to callouts part also comes from underplayed guilt trauma

i came to the conclusion that i probably don't like setting boundaries myself because i've been so starved of affection that i'm desperate to have any sort of connection and i feel like setting boundaries will get in the way or make me seem less friendly

i had a mostly absent dad and a strict mom as a kid so i didn't feel too open to expressing myself and i'd constantly distance myself a lot to do what makes me happy

as for my friends? none of them really stuck around much as a child. when i started getting 'better' relationships in middle-high school, though, things get more complex. my ex-gf/friend manipulated and gaslit me, playing with my affections even after we broke up and stayed friends. one of my other friends, who i am (still close to) traumadumps me and gets upset and sets boundaries whenever i get remotely sad. i think since then, i've withheld my emotions a lot more and feel even worse whenever i make someone set a boundary for unintentionally venting. regardless of intention, my brain always auto-interprets it as a hostile act that means the other person hates me.

in short? i'm a lonely, eager-to-please guy with extreme problems respecting boundaries and myself.