Would just do the things I say I'm going to do, because maybe that would take me where I need to be. Like in a mental hospital. But I'm too scared and dumb. Ugh do you know what really sucks. My body. I dont know what I've done but I just cant keep track of myself. I dont see how people can enjoy personal hygiene. I can barely brush my teeth each night let alone shower on time. It's just too much for me. Too much energy and too much mental work. It hurts. I know when I start to feel bad again when my personal hygiene goes down. My leg also hurts so much. I know it's my fault since I dont wear the right shoes, but it still hurts and I cant do anything else about it. My hand Is also starting to hurt when I play violin, which is one of the only things that I can finally put effort into anymore, so i hope that doesnt go downhill. Maybe it's the weather. The weather really affects my mood. When it's good weather or nostalgic weather I usually feel better, and do more, but I haven't felt that way in awhil

Awhile. My knee is starting to hurt again. I remember when I would stay up late in my old apartment and watch the night sky. I cant do that anymore because I'm way to close to the ground. I was on the third floor of the apartment but now I'm on the second floor. I'm too close to the ground, and I can see way to much. It scares me. Like everything does. Because everything scares me. You know what else I'm scared of? Love. Because it's a dangerous thing. I dont know what it's like to be in a proper relationship because all of my past relationships have been either toxic or non romantic. And now I think I'm in love with someone I dont think likes me back because we have been friends for so long and I dont want to ruin it because I really love her but do I really love her? Is my love real? I dont know because I am too scared of being rejected. I dont think she would be into a relationship with me. I think I love her because I want to hold her and cuddle her and hang out with her and I want to know more about

Her, but I'm scared that's just my want for a relationship I cant have because I'm too young and no one in my family would approve of it. But shes so cute and I think shes what you would call my type, and I love it but i just want to hold her and cuddle and i don't think she would like that. I mean we talk all the ****ing time, and I accidentally told her I kinda liked her but we agreed to forget about it and I think it made her uncomfortable. But what if I'm missing a chance? What if I really want her? What if she really wants me? What if we grow old together on the farm with our dogs and cats and goats and birds because that's our future and we will live in it. Or what if we dont because once I ask we are ripped apart forever and I lose my bestfriend? What if she leaves me because she just sees us as friends? Then there wont be at least an apartment with thr dogs and the snakes and the birds and cats. And I want that. I want it either way. I just want us to be happy because that's what I need in my life. I

Just hope that I can get off my ass and tell her one day. But I guess I cant since I'm a wiiiimp