I'm done with existing
4 comments
Liley-[OP]
25.02.2019 23:42
LinkSo I'm ready to ****ing die. I went to go call the library to respond to the volunteer shit I'm really scared to do, and turns out I'm three days late to their call and they arent open today so I need to call tomorrow. I honestly have the biggest ****ing fear of calling anyone so doing it today would have been something really big for me, BUT THEY WHERE ****ING CLOSED. now my anxiety is even worse since I couldn't respond to it right away. I feel like I could have called them, but I was out this whole weekend. Like there was no ****ing time to call them.
Also talking about all this adult shit reminds me of that time we were doing this reality of money thing. Quick explanation: the school crowded half of the 8th grade into the media center(which isnt that big) and set up a bunch of stations. Some were about housing, some for cars, groceries, taxes, ect. You know, the adult things. And we each get a paper that gives a person's job and position in life and we had to go through everything. It was really crowded
Liley-[OP]
25.02.2019 23:47
LinkAnd you had to start at either housing or car so everyone went to the same place at once which didnt help my anxiety. We also got our credit to see if it was good or bad, and I got bad credit which ****ed me over really hard. Well fast forward like 15 minutes in and this teacher comes up to me with a clip board and apparently they give you a card and something happens to you. I dont remember what it was but I had to pay for something and I was worried about my money and two things. One, let me just say that I cant stand talking to adults. It scares me shitless and especially when they tried to get me to feel bad about my childcare options(I think that's what broke me) I absolutely cant stand it. Second of all, some of the kids were spending everything they had, because they didnt give a ****. It wasnt real and nothing was going to happen.
But as soon as that ****ing lady came up to me with that stupid 'stuff happens' card I ****ing lost it. I ask the teacher to use the bathroom, where i proceed to have a 40
Liley-[OP]
25.02.2019 23:54
LinkMinute panic attack.
After maybe 25 minutes I manage to get my friend/crush in with me and she calmed me down(all though I still feel bad for having to make her calm me down when she should have been hanging out with everyone else) and at the very end as everyone was leaving we snuck back into the crowd.
Honestly I dont think I'm going to get far in life. I get scared over every little thing and God just the thought of calling anyone else but my mom makes me feel sick. I cant handle the real world, yet here I am getting ****ing tossed into it. I'm starting high school next year for God sake. I pictured myself having a nice job and being in a good place with violin. Yet here I am falling right back into my pit of anxiety and depression.
I was getting better.
I was happy.
Now I'm worrying again. Things are falling apart. I dont know what's wrong with me but sometimes paying attention in school hurts. And over all I'm almost back to square one. I will be next year, that's for sure.
I hate to say this
Liley-[OP]
25.02.2019 23:54
LinkBut in starting to remember why I wanted to run away again