When I was younger I thought my life would be well had. I had dreams of being a basketball player and living in a huge mansion in the uk cause I thought that's were the famous people lived at the time. Wich I mean- I wasn't completely wrong lmao. But anyways. My eldest memeory is my mo sence and dad fighting. I remember waking up to screaming and crying. I told my brothers to stay in the room while I tied walking downstairs and got yelled at and told to go back up stairs. Next thing I know I'm hugging my dad goodbye and my mom left with me and my brothers to live with my grandmother for a few years

I at the time I felt like it was my fault for some reasons. I felt like if I would have been better I would have been able to see my dad more often

after a bit. I forgot about him slightly. It was like 3 years till I saw him again and there he was- dating someone else. With a new family. I know he didnt mean to but I felt as tho he abandoned me. He doesnt talk to me for years and then comes back with a hole new kid and shit. It hurt badly

When I was prob 7 or 8 my mom started dating a new guy. Let's call him r. R was really interesting to me cause he liked nerdy stuff and would joke with us but it didnt stay like that- soon we had times that- were alone. He would- sa me... and show other adults me while doing it. I met a girl that way- she was sad. In the moment I didnt care for myself I was worried for her. I wanted to make sure she was alright but- after a few calls with them and there parents and whatver he stopped calling people about me and stuff. I was terrified.he made me feel- weak. Made me feel as tho I was pitiful. I wasnt smart, I wasnt good looking, I wasnt able to be loved. There was a week or two when my mom was in the hospital. And for that week or 2 it felt so long I felt so lonely. And all i had was the worst person around me r.

When I was 9 I made a friend! He was from a different country :0. He was japanese and moved there cause of one of his parents jobs. He was so nice. So kind. He shared his food with me and talks about his home town so much that I soon got so excited about talking about it as well :0. Soon. I fell for him. I didnt know anything about being queer in any ways but I knew I loved his company.his face, his goofie laugh.

We were walking home one day and he got hit my a car- I felt scare. I saw the car coming but was to scared to say something. Whenni was able to speak it was already to late.... I ran home and didnt tell anyone. I was to scared. He had a funeral and a bit later after that I moved.

I tried making new firends. I thought- if I can have so many friends then I won't be alone anymore. I met s girl! Her name was bree. And a 2 boys i thought were really cool names Andrew and jamir. They were my best friends threw all my middle school years. Tho near the end of middle school bree movies away. I confessed to her the day she left. She gave me a kiss and ran off the bus. Last time I ever saw her. As well in my middle school years i teacher i told specifically that i couldnt swim basically tried drowning me. It felt so surreal. Death always felt like that. Other times I almost died include. Stop breathing when I was little for several minutes. Being threated with a knife on a bus. Having my head smashed in with a hard ass binder. Went water skewing and almost drowned again. And 3 different suicide attempts.

When I hit my high school years I moved again. Made new friends and started over. Btw I've moved more than just this much. Ut it just so the story makes sence.

I fell for someone in middle school and was dating them till I was 13. She consistently cheated on me

When we moved and I got to high school I got my first phone. I loved it. Finally I could find the people for me I soon became a online therapist basically. I helped a few people and it made me so happy that I went around trying to help everyone. Till I met a few really close and really good friends. One of them had abusive family members.... one day she snapped. Called me. Killed her father and then shot herself on video call with me. I cried so much running ti my mom

At 16 I told my mom finally about r. She yelled at him and left him tho. Cause he was helping with money problems we had to keep him around... I wasnt aloud to tell anyone about any of it all

Lately starting a year ago or so I've started having night terrors. I dont care about the guy no but still... the feeling I felt back then still lingers.

Before graduating. I was about to fail all fo school. I was so shitty and the school didnt helpe me threw it so much I had so many classes I needed done.

In the end I did 17 or so classes all in 2 months

I worked my ass off. Not cause I wanted to graduate. But cause my dad finally came back to are family and I wanted to make not only him but my mother proud. It's all I've wanted. They were happy but- idk... I'm 19 now. I lost my partner I've had now to cancer. I have no job, no I'd, no money. And I'm still living with my parents. I know I can do so much more but my brothers constantly push me down so ****ing much. I'm trying to get my I'd but have no money to get the stuff to get it rn. I've been trying my damndest not to snap... not to end it all.. I wish I was in the place he showed me..and told me about so long ago. I place that I can feel free to be myself. To be happy. With someone I love... why cant I have this ... ahhhhhh.... I'm getting my i.d soon Trying to anyways. Then in getting a job. And then saving up so I can leave this family. I'm separating every contact I have with them besides my mother. I'm going to start my life over. Find someone to love and for them to love me. See the world.

And finely maybe not being scared of the thoughts in my mind

I might come back to this post btw cause theres alot I didnt say but I'm just trying to Express what my minds on rn